My Mom

My mother is in the hospital, and may very well be discharged to heaven this time. I had the most precious time holding her hand yesterday, and remembering the woman who used to sing silly songs with me when I was a child; the woman who used to cook wonderful Sunday dinners and who had that creative flair that made Holidays that much more special. My dad told me he had been trying to write a poem for the poetry group he is in, but had had a difficult time. It finally flowed from his pen in the beautiful way it it always does. I want to share that with you. If you read this, please pray for our family. We have really been without mom for some time now, but the approach of her physical departure adds a temporal finality -- if you will allow me to use the term -- that is still very difficult to bear at times...

WHEN THE FOG RISES
by William Kenneth Roller

Have you ever tried to write a poem
when the one you've loved for sixty years
cries out so often because she fears
you've disappeared inside your home?

Have you ever struggled to pen a verse
while the one you've loved for sixty years
forgets you are her husband? Through tears
you realize you're now her nurse.

Have you ever sought to make a rhyme
while the one you've loved for sixty years
can't seem to train her eyes and ears
to share some joy you find sublime?
But...
Have you ever tried to still your story
about the one you've loved for sixty years?
You know the mist that now appears
will all dissolve into grace and glory.

Last Impressions

by Jane Hulme
Her hand, though swollen,
was precious to hold.
My heart was warm,
in spite of the cold
of her room.

I searched her eyes
for just a glimmer
of things gone by,
but not a shimmer
of her past.

Across the hall
the child was pleased
declaring to all
with perfect ease
he could count!

In stark contrast
Her lips would part
She spoke at last
words would start -
then nonsense.

I know it's been
but just a few years...
it was me who then
declared in her ears
"I can count!"

I now cling tightly
to her spoken words
not taking lightly
what I just heard,
"I love you".

Her mind, cluttered,
may not have known
to whom she uttered,
but she's often shown
she loves me.

Oh, might I declare
throughout my days
and be ever aware...
my life should say
I love you!

Marriage Milestones

Today is our anniversary -- 23 years! We had a wonderful time last night. We went to our favorite Mexican place and had a nice dinner. Then we went to the Lyric Opera House to watch Dramatic Truth's premier of Dethroning the Prince. It was an amazing show depicting the spiritual battle behind the scenes of the things we get messed up with in life and how Truth frees us from those things! I highly recommend it if they ever do another local performance. We had a very nice evening together.

I wrote in an earlier blog about the flame of our marriage being nearly imperceptible at one point a couple of years ago. It was a rocky time. The year after we had come through that time, I was reading through a daily devotional book, Experiencing God Day by Day by Henry and Richard Blackaby, and I was absolutely floored by the writing for June 22nd, our anniversary. It goes like this:

And the children of Israel did so, just as Joshua commanded, and took up twelve stones from the midst of the Jordan, as the Lord had spoken to Joshua. (Joshua 4:8). Spiritual memory is crucial in the Christian life. It would be tragic if, in your haste to advance in your Christian faith, you neglected to leave spiritual markers at the key crossroads of your life. Without the help of these markers, you will lose your spiritual bearings.

The Israelites experienced a tumultuous pilgrimage. Their doubt that God was powerful enough to give them victory cost them forty years of wandering in the wilderness. Then God miraculously parted the waters of the Jordan River so they could pass over and continue their conquest. God knew that at times the Israelites would face intimidating enemies and would need a reminder that He was powerful enough to protect them. The Israelites might be tempted to think they made a mistake entering Canaan. For this reason God instructed them to build a monument on the banks of the Jordan River. Whenever they returned to this spot, they would see the monument and be reminded of God's awesome power. This marker would give them confidence to meet the new challenges they faced.

A spiritual marker identifies a time of decision when you clearly know that God guided you. Were there specific times when He called you to His ways of living? Can you point to times when He guided you in a decision or spoke powerfully to you about a commitment you could make? Keep track of these important moments! This will help you understand God's activity in your life and give you a sense of direction as you face future decisions."

The first time I read this, it brought tears to my eyes. Every year if I read this particular book on our anniversary, it will serve as a reminder to me of the specific decision and direction God gave me in my marriage -- I must get rid of my pride, and I must learn to love my husband with godly love rather than selfish love. God specifically directed me to stick with my commitment and do a better job of it. I once had a friend say she doesn't know if God cares that much about all the little details of our lives. I beg to differ! Not only does His Word say He is involved in the details of our lives (like knowing the number of hairs on our head and keeping our tears in a bottle), but my personal experience shows me He is involved intimately in my life. I do not think it is any accident that we were given this particular devotion book for Christmas the year God led me in a very important decision about my marriage. I do not think it is any accident that God led the authors of that book to write this devotion to be read on June 22nd. I think God was setting up a spiritual marker for me to be reminded of how blessed I am that He chose to intervene and that my marriage is alive and become richer all the time. I'm sure this devotion has been used in many lives in many different ways, but for me, it is highly personal and relevant to my marriage. I praise God for all He has done, and pray He will continue to move my husband and I individually to look more like Him each day, and in our marriage to glorify and serve Him better together than we could apart. Thank you, Jesus!

A Reason to be Thankful

Yesterday, I had a pretty intense period of time. I took Judson and Mikiah and a friend of Mikiah's to a local swimming pool. It was nice -- not crowded at all. While we were there, my sister called to let me know my dad was taking my mom to the hospital. When I was on the phone with her, she said she needed to get off because they had a tornado warning -- mind you, she was in her car driving to the hospital! My mom has been in and out of the hospital, but it is still unsettling to see the struggles she and dad go through. Needless to say, I was also a bit concerned about my sister driving in a tornado warning. Several minutes later -- perhaps even a half hour later, I took my eyes off the pool briefly -- probably just lost in thought as I wasn't doing anything or talking to anyone. When I looked up, I noticed a little kid under the water with their hands above water, moving around. There was a girl standing right next to him, so I thought it was her brother, and they were playing. But, when I looked around, I could not find Judson. In a split second I realized that little boy was not playing, and he was my little boy under water, flailing, panicking, and in the process of drowning. I will never, ever forget that look on his face. It is one of the most horrible things I have ever seen. He looked so terrified and where had I been? I got to him immediately, and he is okay. He couldn't have been flailing for more than a few seconds, but I'm sure to him it was an eternity. Of course, all these things happening in such quick sequence really shook me up. We went home. I felt like the worst mother on all the face of the earth, was concerned about "delayed drowning" phenomenon, and was also still concerned about my mom and sister. All I could think of is how desperately I felt like I needed to see my husband and get a little comfort. Unfortunately, he had not had a good day at work and was not in much of a state of mind to do any comforting. Besides, by the time I saw him, my sister had arrived safely at the hospital, my mom had been ruled out for some of the more serious issues, and Judson was just fine. There is no way he could have understood the emotional wrangling that had gone on during the previous couple of hours. In reality, his day was probably just as "wrangling" (if not more), and I have no doubt he could have used some comforting from me as well...

Not coincidentally, I was asked to teach the story in our Tweener's class this Sunday as the regular story-teller was called in to work. The story he was planning to teach? Peter walking on the water, of course. If you've been reading my blogs, you know I have been spending a bit of time on this story lately. One of the points the other teacher wanted to bring out, was who we call on when we're in trouble. As I was preparing that story this morning, it dawned on me that rather than running to Jesus first for the comfort I needed last night, I was anticipating running to my husband. While spouses can and should offer support for one another, there are those times when our humanness gets in the way of the ideal. What a great reminder that I need to always remember to seek fulfillment of ALL my needs in Christ first. The other people God gives me in life are a bonus. Those people may normally do a lot of great things for me (ie., my husband), but they cannot be perfect any more than I can be perfect!

This morning my emotions have settled down (though admittedly I still tear up when I picture Judson's panicked face...). I am SO thankful that my Judson is okay and even wants to swim again (with a life jacket!). I am SO thankful my sister did not encounter a tornado while driving. I am SO thankful my mother is receiving the care she needs. And, I am SO thankful that God uses those brief seasons of intense "squeezing" to remind me of important truths such as total dependence on Him. I want to close with the lyrics from this song...

Call On Jesus by Nicole C. Mullen from Talk About It
I'm so very ordinary
Nothing special on my own
I have never walked on water
I have never calmed a storm
Sometimes I'm hiding away
from the madness around me
Like a child who's afraid of the dark

But when I call on Jesus
All things are possible
I can mount on wings like eagles and soar
When I call on Jesus
Mountains are gonna fall
'Cause He'll move heaven and earth to
come rescue me when I call

Weary brother
Broken daughter
Widowed, widowed lover
You're not alone
If you're tired and scared
of the madness around you
If you can't find the strength to carry on

repeat chorus

Call Him in the mornin'
In the afternoon time
Late in the evenin'
He'll be there
When your heart is broken
And you feel discouraged
You can just remember
that He said He'll be there

Mental Wars

Perfect love casteth out fear. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. This verse (1John 4:18) has been bothering all week. Why? I have found myself in a battle with fear. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I feel like Peter when he so boldly stepped onto the stormy sea to walk to Jesus, but immediately began to doubt the rationale of his decision. His doubt caused him to sink. I boldly told God if He wanted my son in China for the summer, and He made that possible, that's what I wanted, too. Now that Josh is there -- now that I'm in the water walking by faith and not by sight -- the doubts assail me. Then Jesus' question to Peter echos in my mind, "...O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" Wherefore do I doubt?

Usually faith is really not a big issue for me. Oh, I've had some major battles with this, but God has proven the truth of His Word in my life so many times, that not many things really shake my faith these days. I may have quivers from time to time or moments of outright shaking, but this long-term, fear battle has not really been this big of a nuisance for a while. Not at this level. Wherefore do I doubt?

There have been seeds of fear planted by relatively minor things -- words of caution from a friend, a strange message on the China blog, the flight problems, etc. Intellectually, I manage these by repeating truth, and I know that ultimately that truth will win. I can cast down imaginations and every high thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of God -- and I do. Yet, the battle is strong in that these attacks of fear seize me most unexpectedly in rapid-fire fearful thought fashion ... "What if..." "I hope he..." , etc. I've had these times of mental battle before in which I am just going normally through my day when suddenly I am hit with these thoughts seemingly out of nowhere and seemingly prompted by nothing. Hmmm, I wonder where those could be coming from?

I think most people have experienced something similar. Those thoughts might be in the form of "you can't...", "you're ugly...", "you're not smart enough...", "how could you ever be forgiven for that wrongdoing...", "this marriage is never going to work...", "I'm a terrible (wife, mother, employee, etc)...", "this situation is never going to change so why try..." Any of those sound familiar? Maybe I'm the only one that deals with these.

So I have been pondering perfect love and its relationship to fear. As I've looked at that passage in I John, it seems to be in the context of fearing judgement and the perfect love of God toward us that gives us the opportunity to rid ourselves of that fear once and for all. Whew! But, what about Peter? Jesus chastised him pretty soundly for doubting. What about that? Am I in hot water here? What about all the times Jesus said, "Oh ye of little faith", or something similar? It seems a pretty serious issue, so I'm looking further into it.

The cool thing about the whole Peter walking on the water blunder is what happened just before Jesus chastised him, "...And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him..." Before Jesus got onto Peter about doubting, he saved him from the disaster Peter's floundering faith could have caused.

In another passage, Jesus is addressing Peter and says, " behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat..." The word "sift" means, "figuratively, by inward agitation to try one’s faith to the verge of overthrow". I believe there are those seasons in our lives when the enemy does target our faith specifically to try to overthrow it. I mean, look at Job. Big target! The beautiful thing about that verse is Jesus' response to Satan's challenge. He didn't save Peter from the sifting, but he said "But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not"! Can you imagine? Jesus prayed for Peter's faith. Jesus prays for us, too. (John 17) It brings tears to my eyes to think that my Creator, my Redeemer, the One who has done everything for me, and given me everything I need, also chooses in His great mercy and patience to pray for my faltering faith. Even more exciting is the rest of what Jesus says, "and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." Jesus states his prayer will be answered affirmatively.

From the time we are saved, most of us want to hurry up and grow up spiritually. (Isn't that what we do physically as well?) I think we often expect we should be mature immediately rather than growing through life's experiences. Oh, it bothers me greatly that I have been battling so strongly with fear this week. It's probably just a pride issue on my part -- I mean the fact that it bothers me. Fear and faith do not necessarily work exclusively of one another. Without fear, it would be impossible to exercise faith or to grow in faith. The fact that I have struggled immensely with fear this week (and perhaps in the eight remaining weeks), does not mean I must look at my faith as failing. Rather, I can thank God that Jesus is there to rescue me when doubts cause me to begin sinking. I can praise Jesus that He would care to pray for my faith. I can be amazed at the fact that the challenge to my faith, if handled biblically, will ultimately result in the conversion of that fear to a stronger faith.

I am certainly not proud of my wavering and doubts. But I also will not allow condemnation a place. Rather, I will look at this season as yet another potential faith growth spurt! I am so thankful for a Father who loves me not only enough to sacrifice everything for me, but to care intimately about me -- enough to pray for my faith not to fail. Imagine! "What is man that thou art mindful of him?"

Father's Day

Our hard-working dad is spending some of the day doing what he deserves most -- resting! But, he did celebrate his day with us.


The creators of the "Scrabble Board Cake"























The cake in detail.





















Daddy's piece of cake. When we cut out the piece that said "great", the other words were -- well, too funny!






















The present -- also too funny! This is all he really wanted -- probably not to PC :o) ...





























The Father's Day song...

Judson lost his first tooth this week!

Here's a couple of videos we made so Josh could witness this momentous occasion! (I really need to work on my lighting...sorry about that!)

Fuzzy's Loose Tooth /Fuzzy's Pulled Tooth

Pics/Video from Mikiah's Ballet Parent Presentation

Every other spring, instead of doing a big performance, Dramatic Truth does a parent presentation. Parents watch part of a normal class, and then the class performs a piece they have been working on. It is informal, but a lot of fun. In the video, the girls are divided into two groups at the start. The first group has been at this level for one year, the second group is testing this summer to go to the next level (pointe - ouch!). Mikiah is in the second group. At the beginning she is in the far back corner, but eventually moves to closer to the camera...

Punk's Away and My Middle Name's Pete

Josh made it safely to Beijing. It was a trip of the mixed sort, as should be expected. God was very gracious to us during the send-off process. First of all, Sunday was an extremely difficult day. Something about being at church together and knowing that is the last time for a while... One of Josh's friends at church gave him a big gift bag full of letters from friends. Each letter was dated -- one for each day he is gone. That was an incredibly meaningful gift to him (and to all of us). Monday, we had a very special time of family prayer before we left for the airport. I prayed the least -- out loud anyway-- as my tear faucet was working overtime. Putting him on that plane was definitely the most difficult thing I have ever done. It's not so comforting to know it won't be the most difficult thing I ever do... :o) God is SO good, though. He graciously allowed us to just "happen" to speak to about four different people at KCI who were Christians and showed support for what Josh was doing, including the security guard when he checked in at the gate. That guard let us know that one person is allowed to accompany a minor into the gate until they board the plane. My sweet husband insisted I be that one person, so I had a few extra, special moments before Josh took off. He called when he got to Minneapolis. That flight went well. He even sat next to a nice Christian lady on that trip. Though he didn't have time for lunch, he didn't have to rush too much to catch his next flight to Tokyo. Unfortunately, before leaving Minneapolis, their plane was grounded well over an hour, which put a serious doubt as to whether he would be able to make his connecting flight in Tokyo to Beijing. We were on the phone with the airline several times that night. At one point they told us he would miss his connecting flight and they had booked him on the same flight the next day, basically meaning he would have to spend almost 24 hours at the biggest airport in the biggest city in the world.

This is where my middle name gets changed. At this point, I am feeling very panicked. We have no way to reach Josh. We have no way of knowing if the airline will really take care of him. We feel completely helpless and he seems completely vulnerable. For a long period of time, I found myself wavering -- again. When it comes to this whole thing of trusting my kids in the care of their Heavenly Father, I really thought I had it down. I mean, I was very willing to let Josh do this thing we all agreed God was calling him to do. I have declared from the start that God will take care of him. So, I ask myself why have I hit the panic button twice in less than a week? I am like Peter. Remember how bravely Peter said he would get out of the boat, into the storm and walk to Jesus on the water. Remember how he didn't hesitate to do so? Remember how he panicked when he looked around and realized what he did and how vulnerable he was? Remember what Jesus said? "Oh ye of little faith..." Yes, this whole process has served to show me when it comes to faith, I have a lot of growing room! I very willingly jumped out of the boat, only to panic several times already... Fortunately, Peter's story does not end with him sinking for lack of faith. Though Christ pointed out Peter's issue, He did not hesitate to save Peter. If you know the rest of Peter's story, that wasn' t the only time he wavered and showed a lack of faith, either. Each time, Christ restored him and Peter grew until one day, by grace, he was able to exercise that faith consistently. Thank God for His patience, mercy and grace!

Well, as it turns out, we were watching the status of both flights -- the one Josh was on from Minneapolis to Tokyo, and the connecting flight from Tokyo to Beijing. To us it looked as though they had delayed the departure time for his connecting flight, and he just might have time to make it. His flight arrived in Tokyo, and we anxiously awaited his call -- it didn't come. We knew that meant he probably had to run from one gate to the next to catch his flight and had no time to call, but how could we know for sure. We called the airline again. They were not very willing to share the information with us, but finally did tell us that his boarding pass had been scanned for the connecting flight. We had to assume, then, that he made it okay. At that point, we went to bed and "slept" (fitfully) for four hours before getting up and waiting for that call. It came at last. Long story just slight shorter -- he has called four times from Beijing. The first two were from the airport. One when he arrived and one after he made it through customs, was with his escort and going to the car. He sounded great both of those calls, and I felt much relief. The third call, though, was from his room and I think exhaustion had set in. He didn't sound so good. The driver did not speak much English and just dropped him at his room. Think of it, basically 24 hours of travel, it's midnight, you get dropped off at a strange room, don't know what to do and can't get the electricity to work. Well, he did get a little sleep, called me again around 5:30 am their time and said he had decided to go for a little walk around campus, but the lock on his door had malfunctioned and he couldn't get back in his room! He had figured out the electricity, though. :o) Right now, he is probably eating lunch, has hopefully met the person we talked to who is supervising him, and hopefully has been able to get a few things figured out. I anxiously await another call or email or something to see how things are going. In the meantime, I am praying for grace to look more like Jesus and to experience peace that matches my stated faith!

The Flame of our Marriage

As our family faces what seems in our eyes a rather monumental time of separation, I've been contemplating how incredibly blessed I am to have a man that I can share my life with. We have been through a lot together in our almost 23 years. We've had our great times, and we've had our times when -- well, I'm thankful we made it through those times! Interestingly, I think the lighting of the unity candle at our wedding ceremony was very prophetic. We lit the candle and were kneeling on the "prayer bench" while the soloist sang "The Lord's Prayer". As he was singing, the flame on our candle grew smaller and smaller until it was imperceptible. The entire wedding party and everyone in the audience were holding their collective breath as we watched the floundering flame, fearing its "bad omen". Suddenly, just as the soloist hit the climax of the song -- "for thine, is the king-dom, and the pow-er, and glor-y..." -- just as he hit the high note that accompanies the word, "FOREEEEVER" -- the wick burst into full flame again. It was pretty awesome! Looking back now over the past nearly 23 years, we did have a period of time when it seemed the flame of our marriage was so low it would not be able to be rekindled. It was a horrible time that seemed to cause every aspect of my life to mimic my marriage -- going through the motions. There were a lot of voices during that season of our marriage -- voices that offered all sorts of advice, mostly unbiblical. There was really only one friend that knew about our difficulties during that time that encouraged me to stay the course and to keep my wedding vows. Through her encouragement and a lot of grace from my precious Heavenly Father, I was able to begin seeing some areas in the marriage in which I was falling short. I realized that I was not the godly wife I thought I was. I had been so preoccupied with spousal shortcomings, I failed to recognize my own. I will never forget the exact moment when God began to show me my pride. Had His voice been audible, it could not have been more clear. It was a very painful moment, but the beginning of a season of healing.

I cannot imagine where my family would be had I listened to the many voices that told me to give up. They were well-meaning voices. Many even able to use scripture to dispense that advice. My thankfulness to my Father is inexpressible. I praise Him and give Him glory for bringing beauty from ashes. There are those things in life that can only be explained by God. Those are the things of highest value! I have much more to say on the subject of marriage as our anniversary approaches later this month. Much, much more...

Wavering Moments with an Unwavering God

I should have guessed that after experiencing the victory of resting in God's promises, I'd be in for a tumble. It happened. Yesterday I was a mess for the entire morning. I thought we had resolved all the issues with vaccines Josh needed for his trip. It had taken some research and talking to several different people until I finally found an "expert" to talk to about it. After going back and forth on whether he needed a couple of vaccines for where he is going in China, we were comfortable with our informed decision that he did not need those -- until Wednesday when another source said he might need them and the whole thing seemed to start over. I have to admit, I was in panic mode. After all, I certainly don't want my son to get typhoid or malaria! I suddenly forgot Who was in control of this whole deal. I have to give a BIG thank-you to my friends, Laura and GiGi. Laura always reels me in (or should I say "reals" me in?) with solid Bible truths combined perfectly with compassion -- a true Proverbs friend. Gigi is a friend from high school and college. We have over the last few years picked up our friendship via email and snail mail. She has an uncanny way of sending a card or an email perfectly timed for the day, even when she has no idea what the particular circumstances of that day may be. Yesterday, I received one of her awesome hand-made cards . As you can see, the outside has a picture of some luggage with the words "anyone who loves God travels securely". On the inside she wrote, "Don't fret...he's in good care! ..." Mind you, this arrived in the mail within an hour after I prayed for God's grace to return to my previous peaceful state of mind. Shortly after that, my sense that God was reassuring us that Josh was okay with the vaccinations was confirmed after my dear husband was finally able to reach someone from BTW who not only said our preparations were okay, but also gave a raving review of the people who will be taking care of our eldest for the next month. Well, I wavered -- big-time, but God? He NEVER wavers. Long before my faith was shaken, he had prompted Gigi to mail that card. Long before this "crisis", He had blessed me with my Proverbs friend. When Jesus said, "Take no thought...", He meant it. We can rest, truly rest in the knowledge that God is in control and has all our bases more than adequately covered. He's still the same God who kept that little toddler from pedaling into the busy street. He loves us, he really does! :o)

God's Faucet is Bigger!

Weird title, I know. This has been an amazing week really. We're counting down to the longest separation -- both in distance and in time -- we have had from one of our children, now only five days away. I anticipated a teary week for several reasons I won't go into here, so asked for prayer from some friends specifically in that regard. What I have learned this week is that God's promises faucet is bigger than my tear faucet! It has been truly amazing. Every time I have felt teary or panicky, when that faucet was merely dripping, suddenly my mind has been flooded with verses reminding me of God's promises and memories of His faithfulness in past situations that have been difficult. I have had tastes of this in the past, but it has been occurring regularly this week. All I can say is that God is so amazing and so marvelous and so real. It brings to mind the verse, "Be careful (full of care) for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Thank you, God, for Your peace that truly can't be explained in human terms; and thank you for my faithful, praying friends.

Silly Pics of My Kids

Another homemade-looking cake...

This one was for the end-of-the-year celebration for Key Club at Raytown High. The kids were celebrating their year and saying goodbye and thank you to Mr. Nevinski, one of the teacher sponsors, as he will not be returning to RHS next year (sadly). It may look unprofessional, but the kids liked it, and Josh got some great pictures of blue tongues!

Punk's 15th Birthday

One conclusion you will draw quickly about my cakes -- they are, well, ummm, homemade-looking.... But, I have fun. This is actually a big cookie cake because Josh is not a huge sweets fan. The Chinese characters supposedly spell "Happy Birthday". We had a nice family celebration the night of his birthday -- on a Wednesday night, late after church. But, it was fun, and he got a very nice digital camera to take to China. My husband is the world's best at finding good deals on nice products and did it again for this birthday present. He says it's the hunting nature God put inside of men. Whatever it is, it has saved us thousands of dollars over the years!

Our kids grow up way too fast. We've had 15 wonderful years with Josh and looking forward to many, many more! I love you, Josh!