Saturday, January 14, 2012

I Want More

"As the hart panteth after the water brooks, so panteth my soul after thee, O God." Ps 42:1 Over the Christmas and new year's break I had a chance to do a little reading. I picked up a book by A.W. Tozer called The Pursuit of God. I highly recommend it. After I finished that I started reading The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee. Although I will probably be reading it for the rest of 2012, based on what I have read so far, I highly recommend it as well. I have become aware of the fact that I do not commune with God in the way He designed us to commune with Him. I do okay most mornings when I start my day and have no distractions. But as my day goes on, the demands of work and family life take a front seat and my ability to walk in communion with God is greatly affected. It's not that I am doing wrong things, but that I am not listening to the Spirit of God throughout my day, letting Him drive my day through the Truth He has revealed. I have a "necessary" agenda for the day and my ability to have that interrupted or even interpreted by the Spirit is basically not there.

I heard a man telling the kind of stories all Christian love to hear but few of us experience on a regular basis. The stories were radical and they were real and they were recent. They involved busy people, listening to God, following His instructions, and helping lost souls come to Jesus. This man lives that way consistently. He is a busy, working father of 4 with a life full of potential distractions and he said, "When you learn to do that, it becomes so natural..." That is what I want. I am thirsty for this kind of a continual drink from God. Yes, I love the touches of His Spirit through His word in the mornings. I love when God speaks to me in undeniable ways through other events or circumstances. But what I crave, what I long for more than anything is that daily, moment-by-moment communion of His Spirit with my spirit, directing my thoughts and actions and interactions. I want more! Is that possible? I strongly believe the answer is yes! And I am praying with all my heart that God will move me from where I am now to that point that at this moment seems quite far away!

Ironically, when I was praying about that this morning, my thoughts kept getting distracted by various things. I would pray about something, and then my mind would begin to think on that thing and try to devise solutions or conversations, etc. I became very frustrated that the very thing I was praying for and longing for -- communion with God that is constant in spite of life's distractions -- was becoming quite the battle during that very prayer. I cried out to God for help and suddenly, I had a memory of an event that happened a few summers ago. I think I blogged about it at the time. It happened on a day when Josh was in China and Mikiah was busy with an activity. I decided to take Judson to the swimming pool. He did not know how to swim yet and he had a good, healthy fear of the water, usually stayed pretty close to the edge. While we were there, I received a call from my sister. She was on her way to the hospital because my mom had just been admitted. Mom was pretty sick and as it turns out, this was the beginning of her final stay in the hospital before she passed away. As we were talking, my sister suddenly said she had to get off the phone because the tornado sirens were going off and she was driving -- she needed to find a safe place. She hung up. I was miles from mom or my sister and was completely helpless to assist either one of them. Obviously I was a little upset. I glanced back toward the pool to find Judson and began to panic as I did not immediately see him. Surely, the little boy bobbing up and down in the water was not him. He was, after all, surrounded by other swimmers. The swimmer next to him was just staring at him and the lifeguard was just staring at him, so it must just be a kid playing. If he was in serious trouble, all those people watching would be moving to help him, right? Wrong! That kid was not playing. That kid was my little boy and he was desperately trying to keep from drowning while others just stared at him and while I was distracted by some very serious distractions! It turned out okay but it was a scary moment and a horrible sight I will likely always remember. As that memory flooded my mind this morning, God spoke to my heart. Life will always have distractions and demands that scream for attention. In the midst of those, I must have His eyes to see all the drowning souls around me. I must let Him guide my eyes, my thoughts, my energies. Sure, there are things I have to do as a responsible wife, mother and worker -- things I love to do and want to do. But God must be in the driver's seat every day, even in the midst of those demands. He must be able to interrupt me at any given moment and open my eyes to the needs around me. How many drowning souls have I stood next to, completely unaware of their peril? Or worse, how often have I just assumed someone else would rescue them? God, give me grace to let go of my life and cling to yours! Give me your eyes, ears, hands, feet and heart that your desires are lived out in my life.