Letting Go

A year ago there were three specific situations in my life that were causing me a great deal of anxiety. One was a financial issue. Two involved a child, specifically Josh (AKA "Punk"). He was preparing at that time to go to China for 18 days and immediately upon his return would begin high school at Raytown High after being homeschooled since second grade. One day as I was driving by the high school, I thought about how many times I had driven that very route, and about the fact that the road has remained the same, though many other things have changed over the years. At that instant the thought occurred to me that in a year, all of the issues that were causing me to fret would be in the past. The things, however, that are most dear to me would never change. The comfort came.

It is a year later. Today as I type this, I have but one thing causing me to fret. One month from today, Josh will again be going to China, but this year he will be spending 64 days away from home. I have to admit, though I am excited for this opportunity for him, I have already shed many tears. (My tear bottle in heaven is HUGE!) My fretting is not so much worry for his safety, for long ago I realized it is not I who keeps my children safe. I am completely comfortable with the fact the God has ordained this trip as He has opened all the doors to make it happen. My fretting stems from the fact that I dearly enjoy all my children, and the thought of one of them being so far away for such a long time is, well, gut-wrenching. I fret at the anticipated sorrow. The other night, Josh was spending some snuggle time with Judson and made a comment about how he would miss Jud while he was gone. That, of course, led my mind down that path I work so hard to avoid -- the inevitable mix of joy and sorrow in motherhood. The joy is watching my children grow into what I have prayed they would over these fleeting growing-up years. The sorrow is just how quickly those years pass to this season when my fingers must be pried away one by one! Last year as some of those fingers were being forced up, I sought comfort from my sister, whose three children are grown and married. To my horror, she said that the letting go does not get easier! This year, I face the distinct possibility that after another year, my child may be a foreign exchange student in China for an entire school year. This year, I watched as the seniors were honored at our church, all the while thinking, "In three short years..." This year more than ever, I face the fact that if things continue on this seemingly God-ordained path, this child, who I dedicated to God nearly 15 years go, will be spending most of his adult life "far, far away". (Uh, God, when I prayed they would follow You passionately all their days, I really didn't anticipate that path would lead so far from home...)

As I have prayed for the grace to turn my sorrow into something more productive, to focus on the joy at the fact that my children are thus far following God with passion (and prayed for at least the grace to control my tears!), my thoughts have turned to Hannah and Samuel. This is a story that has long fascinated me. In I Samuel 1 we meet Hannah who is in great sorrow because she does not have a child, and her husband's other wife does have children. In verse 6, the Bible says that her "enemy provoked her sore to make her fret because God" had closed her womb. It's an interesting choice of word, "enemy". The Hebrew could have been translated "rival wife". This speaks to me that all my fretting comes from one source alone , the enemy Peter refers to when he says Satan is like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour. God certainly does not intend us to fret over our situations. He is, after all, fully aware and fully in control. What really amazes me about this story is that after waiting for this child for so many years, she very willingly takes Samuel to the temple after he is weaned and gives him back to God. The Bible doesn't tell us what her emotions were as she traveled with Samuel, knowing she would be leaving him "far, far away", to see him but once a year. What it does tell us is that she not only took her long-awaited son to give to God, but she also took three bullocks, an ephah of flour and a bottle of wine to sacrifice. In a situation where most of us would say this particular sacrifice was over and above our "reasonable service", she brought even more. See, she realized Samuel was not really hers to begin with. When the Bible says she lent him to the Lord as long as he would live, that word "lent" just means she was giving back to God what was God's all along. Her first response to "letting go" was to give even more than her child. Her second response, in chapter 2, was worship. She worshipped the God who gave her Samuel, even when the time came to let go of him. If you are familiar with the story, you know that Samuel became a very significant prophet in Israel. What if she had been unwilling to let him go? My children may or may not be widely known for their faith and their walk with God, but God does have a significant plan for each of their lives -- for all of our lives. (Remember Hebrews 11, the "hall of faith"? Does not the end of that chapter recognize the significance of the "hall of faithers" who were too numerous to name, but whose names God knows?)

My mind also travels to Abraham and Isaac. After waiting many, many years for the miracle of his son, Isaac, God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac in an act of worship. Abraham does not even argue or try to "reason" with God. He simply trusts and obeys. God stops Abraham just before he slays Isaac and commends him saying, "Lay not thy hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me." An amazing story!

So, I have to ask myself these questions as I embark on this letting go season of life:

1. Am I going to let my enemy cause me to fret?

2. Am I willing to give back to God what has been His all along?

3. Am I willing to give even more?

4. Am I able to worship and rejoice as I do?

5. Do I fear God enough that I will not withhold my children from Him?

This brings me back to yesterday's blog. ALL of life is by grace through faith. This letting go is beyond my natural ability. Giving even more? Beyond my natural ability. Worshipping and rejoicing as I do? Beyond my natural ability. Fearing God as I should? Beyond my natural ability. However, I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me by grace through faith. My desire for my children to have significant faith in their Creator necessarily brings me to this point of letting go -- even when it happens earlier than anticipated! The letting go begins now as I watch my eldest go far, far away for the summer. If you read this, please pray for Josh as he follows God to China. And please pray for me as I follow God to letting go -- by grace through faith.