Mental Wars

Perfect love casteth out fear. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. This verse (1John 4:18) has been bothering all week. Why? I have found myself in a battle with fear. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, I feel like Peter when he so boldly stepped onto the stormy sea to walk to Jesus, but immediately began to doubt the rationale of his decision. His doubt caused him to sink. I boldly told God if He wanted my son in China for the summer, and He made that possible, that's what I wanted, too. Now that Josh is there -- now that I'm in the water walking by faith and not by sight -- the doubts assail me. Then Jesus' question to Peter echos in my mind, "...O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?" Wherefore do I doubt?

Usually faith is really not a big issue for me. Oh, I've had some major battles with this, but God has proven the truth of His Word in my life so many times, that not many things really shake my faith these days. I may have quivers from time to time or moments of outright shaking, but this long-term, fear battle has not really been this big of a nuisance for a while. Not at this level. Wherefore do I doubt?

There have been seeds of fear planted by relatively minor things -- words of caution from a friend, a strange message on the China blog, the flight problems, etc. Intellectually, I manage these by repeating truth, and I know that ultimately that truth will win. I can cast down imaginations and every high thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of God -- and I do. Yet, the battle is strong in that these attacks of fear seize me most unexpectedly in rapid-fire fearful thought fashion ... "What if..." "I hope he..." , etc. I've had these times of mental battle before in which I am just going normally through my day when suddenly I am hit with these thoughts seemingly out of nowhere and seemingly prompted by nothing. Hmmm, I wonder where those could be coming from?

I think most people have experienced something similar. Those thoughts might be in the form of "you can't...", "you're ugly...", "you're not smart enough...", "how could you ever be forgiven for that wrongdoing...", "this marriage is never going to work...", "I'm a terrible (wife, mother, employee, etc)...", "this situation is never going to change so why try..." Any of those sound familiar? Maybe I'm the only one that deals with these.

So I have been pondering perfect love and its relationship to fear. As I've looked at that passage in I John, it seems to be in the context of fearing judgement and the perfect love of God toward us that gives us the opportunity to rid ourselves of that fear once and for all. Whew! But, what about Peter? Jesus chastised him pretty soundly for doubting. What about that? Am I in hot water here? What about all the times Jesus said, "Oh ye of little faith", or something similar? It seems a pretty serious issue, so I'm looking further into it.

The cool thing about the whole Peter walking on the water blunder is what happened just before Jesus chastised him, "...And when Peter was come down out of the ship, he walked on the water, to go to Jesus. But when he saw the wind boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink, he cried, saying, Lord, save me. And immediately Jesus stretched forth his hand, and caught him..." Before Jesus got onto Peter about doubting, he saved him from the disaster Peter's floundering faith could have caused.

In another passage, Jesus is addressing Peter and says, " behold, Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat..." The word "sift" means, "figuratively, by inward agitation to try one’s faith to the verge of overthrow". I believe there are those seasons in our lives when the enemy does target our faith specifically to try to overthrow it. I mean, look at Job. Big target! The beautiful thing about that verse is Jesus' response to Satan's challenge. He didn't save Peter from the sifting, but he said "But I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not"! Can you imagine? Jesus prayed for Peter's faith. Jesus prays for us, too. (John 17) It brings tears to my eyes to think that my Creator, my Redeemer, the One who has done everything for me, and given me everything I need, also chooses in His great mercy and patience to pray for my faltering faith. Even more exciting is the rest of what Jesus says, "and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren." Jesus states his prayer will be answered affirmatively.

From the time we are saved, most of us want to hurry up and grow up spiritually. (Isn't that what we do physically as well?) I think we often expect we should be mature immediately rather than growing through life's experiences. Oh, it bothers me greatly that I have been battling so strongly with fear this week. It's probably just a pride issue on my part -- I mean the fact that it bothers me. Fear and faith do not necessarily work exclusively of one another. Without fear, it would be impossible to exercise faith or to grow in faith. The fact that I have struggled immensely with fear this week (and perhaps in the eight remaining weeks), does not mean I must look at my faith as failing. Rather, I can thank God that Jesus is there to rescue me when doubts cause me to begin sinking. I can praise Jesus that He would care to pray for my faith. I can be amazed at the fact that the challenge to my faith, if handled biblically, will ultimately result in the conversion of that fear to a stronger faith.

I am certainly not proud of my wavering and doubts. But I also will not allow condemnation a place. Rather, I will look at this season as yet another potential faith growth spurt! I am so thankful for a Father who loves me not only enough to sacrifice everything for me, but to care intimately about me -- enough to pray for my faith not to fail. Imagine! "What is man that thou art mindful of him?"