If I were to succinctly summarize 2008, I believe "foundation-shaking" would be fitting. I often write about the fact that God has frequently shattered the box, forcing Himself outside of my understanding. For some, the elusive nature of God causes complete disbelief, anger and bitterness. They completely turn away from Him because their understanding of Him and their life experience cause too much dissonance. It's too uncomfortable to see the dissonance through to resolution. For others, it is an invitation to a smorgasbord faith -- picking and choosing those things about Him that are palatable, appealing to the mind and soul. I have had my faith challenged on many levels over the years, as do most women and men who contemplate the spiritual. I have questioned and I have wrestled with the doctrines in which I was trained up. I used to believe there is a specific 
season in all our lives in which our faith is challenged and forced to be personally defined. Many years into my own discovery of faith, I now know there are many of those seasons in life, perhaps one continuous season... I am reading a book, The Shack, by William Young. Several months ago, before the onset of Josh's illness, it was recommended to me by a couple of friends. Because I was number 600-and-something on the waiting list at our library, I requested this book for Christmas. I didn't know what I was getting into. It is difficult to read. It truly challenges one's image of God. My own image of God has been defined in part by the church, in part by my own wonderful father, and in part by my interpretation of my experiences in light of my understanding of the Bible. I believe to have faith in a God one can fully comprehend would be at best depressing and at worst pointless, a waste of precious time and resources. In spite of that, my quest to understand Him continues. Josh's illness is definitely one of those seasons in which my faith is being severely challenged -- a defining moment, if you will. My response to the challenge is a renewed effort to understand God. It is interesting that I am reading The Shack at this particular season in life. The main character has a peripheral faith in God due to deep scars left from his childhood and, more recently, "the great sadness" of the traumatic loss of a child. His desire to believe in his image of God has forced him to repress anger and bitterness that he believes are sins. Rather than letting those "bad" emotions out and grappling with them, he chooses to keep his faith at a safe distance and ignore the gnawing questions he feels he shouldn't ask. In one weekend, he's forced to asked these forbidden questions. This book and my current challenges are tapping on the walls of my God box once again. The shattering of those walls resonates deep into my spirit, crushing it into millions of pieces. I read in Psalms 24:18 that "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart: and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." I desire that closeness. I am in a perfect position to attain further intimacy. What will I do with it? James 4:6-10, "...he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud and giveth grace unto the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God...Draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you...Be afflicted and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up." My heart is broken. My spirit is crushed. Will I proudly turn my back on my faith because God is not logical? Or will I choose to humbly believe His mercy endures forever and His love is pure. Will I choose to go deeper in a relationship with the God I cannot comprehend. Will I allow the season of mourning and affliction to sever or submerge? "I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope...Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." (Ps 16:7-9, 11) So let it be.
season in all our lives in which our faith is challenged and forced to be personally defined. Many years into my own discovery of faith, I now know there are many of those seasons in life, perhaps one continuous season... I am reading a book, The Shack, by William Young. Several months ago, before the onset of Josh's illness, it was recommended to me by a couple of friends. Because I was number 600-and-something on the waiting list at our library, I requested this book for Christmas. I didn't know what I was getting into. It is difficult to read. It truly challenges one's image of God. My own image of God has been defined in part by the church, in part by my own wonderful father, and in part by my interpretation of my experiences in light of my understanding of the Bible. I believe to have faith in a God one can fully comprehend would be at best depressing and at worst pointless, a waste of precious time and resources. In spite of that, my quest to understand Him continues. Josh's illness is definitely one of those seasons in which my faith is being severely challenged -- a defining moment, if you will. My response to the challenge is a renewed effort to understand God. It is interesting that I am reading The Shack at this particular season in life. The main character has a peripheral faith in God due to deep scars left from his childhood and, more recently, "the great sadness" of the traumatic loss of a child. His desire to believe in his image of God has forced him to repress anger and bitterness that he believes are sins. Rather than letting those "bad" emotions out and grappling with them, he chooses to keep his faith at a safe distance and ignore the gnawing questions he feels he shouldn't ask. In one weekend, he's forced to asked these forbidden questions. This book and my current challenges are tapping on the walls of my God box once again. The shattering of those walls resonates deep into my spirit, crushing it into millions of pieces. I read in Psalms 24:18 that "The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart: and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit." I desire that closeness. I am in a perfect position to attain further intimacy. What will I do with it? James 4:6-10, "...he giveth more grace. Wherefore he saith, God resisteth the proud and giveth grace unto the humble. Submit yourselves therefore to God...Draw nigh to God and he will draw nigh to you...Be afflicted and mourn, and weep: let your laughter be turned to mourning, and your joy to heaviness. Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and he shall lift you up." My heart is broken. My spirit is crushed. Will I proudly turn my back on my faith because God is not logical? Or will I choose to humbly believe His mercy endures forever and His love is pure. Will I choose to go deeper in a relationship with the God I cannot comprehend. Will I allow the season of mourning and affliction to sever or submerge? "I will bless the LORD, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope...Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fullness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." (Ps 16:7-9, 11) So let it be.
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